Sherlock and John Play L.A. Noire

“This…what is this? What do you have me playing, John?”

“It’s a game. It’s called Grand Theft Something.”

“What is-”

“L.A. Noire.”

“…”

“…”

<long pause>

“How do I arrest that man over there?”

“Who?”

“The bartender. How do I arrest him?”

“I don’t think you can, Sherlock.”

“But he’s so obviously the culprit!”

“He’s a background character, you can’t arrest just anyone.”

“Oh please. The past three murders have all been prostitutes from south central LA, all white, late 20’s early 30’s. They had severe bruising. The bartender’s obviously lonely, see? No one’s talking to him and that’s his bloody job, to listen to people. Obvious prostitute patron.”

“I don’t think anyone’s programmed to talk to the bartender. He’s just a background-”

“He’s got malformed knuckles.”

“Hmm?”

“Consistent with the bruising patterns on the women.”

“I think his hands just weren’t rendered very well.”

<short pause>

“What…what am I doing?”

“You’ve got a clue. You have to look at it and see if it’s-”

“The murderer is a time traveler.”

“….what?”

“Coca cola bottles didn’t feature the white paint logo until 1957. This one right here has the murderer’s fingerprints all over it. He’s obviously come back in time-”

“I don’t think that’s possible.”

“When you’ve eliminated the impossible, what remains-”

“Yes, yes, I’m aware, but it’s not that kind of game, Sherlock.”

“Then what kind of bloody game is it!? The case is open and shut. The man behind the bar has malformed knuckles, and displays all the signs of a manic depressive sexual deviant. His coke bottle in the trash out back is clearly displaced in time. He’s a time traveler. He’s murdered three prostitutes. We have to stop him before he kills again.”

“I don’t think you’ve found all the suspects yet.”

“No need.”

“You have to advance the story-”

“What story? They copy-pasted the head of one of the actors from Mad Men onto a digital puppet body. I can’t take any of this Raymond Chandler tripe seriously.”

“You study the suspect’s faces. You have to see who’s faking-”

“THEY’RE ALL FAKING. THEY’RE ACTORS. THEIR HEADS ARE STAPLED ONTO OTHER ACTOR’S BODIES.”

“…”

“How do I bring the bartender to justice?”

“You could steal a car and run him over.”

“Fine.”

– John

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